"Out on a cold grey street there's nothing left to do...get on a bus, get on a train, let's leave."
I'm so fucking sick of it here. Every corner of this town, and all the others surrounding it. I'm simply sick of the cold, and I'm sick of my close friends living too far away for my taste. I'm extremely frustrated with my social life at the moment...it's not going well at all,really.
My friends...
Heather-She's living in Florida and will be until her grandmother dies...clearly, nobody knows when her grandmother is going to die, but hopefully it won't be for a long time. Which is why I don't really have to look forward to Heather moving up North.
Daniel-He's moving to Ohio as I write this. Which is exciting, because he will be alot closer.
Bianca-I still haven't met her personally...but now that I have my liscense, I hope to sometime soon. However, she is still pretty far away.
Briana-still living in Florida.
Rachael & Jodie-Living in Maine, might move to Maryland next year.
Megan-She's always working, and her parents don't really allow us to hang out.
Iris-still lives in Florida.
Danni-She joined the fucking Marines. >.<
Lily-I don't really see her anymore.
Tessa-we're friends, but not close friends...we're too different...we have our similiarities...but...well, it's hard to explain. She doesn't really understand when I say "no" to smoking weed with her.
Ken-still lives here, but I never get to see him anymore. He dropped out of school, so his mum won't let him see anyone. He decided that he wants to move to Florida. Fucken eh.
Josh Momberger-one of the coolest gay guys I've ever met...he moved away to Rochester :(
Katie-we don't really see each other. We're not close.
Al-she's really fucking cool, but once again, we have our differences...this time, she doesn't understand why I hang out with people who use drugs.
Jesse-besides Kenneth, he's my only close friend left in New York. And I already see him alot because he is my boyfriend. He has friends that he hangs out with. But while he is hanging with those friends, I'd like to hang with mine...problem is, I barely have any. At least here >.<
Nikki-lives in Michigan.
Bri Nelson- I don't see her too much anymore. She's always busy.
Devon-Don't see her around either.
Other people- Jesse's friends. They're pretty cool, but they're more like aquaintances so far. They're not really the type of people you get close to. Heh.
I'm way too socially akward...Augh. It's so fucking frustrating. Everyone around here is either obsessed with drugs, or they're strictly straight-edge. Either people don't understand why I don't want to do drugs and drink all the time like they do, or they don't understand why I occasionally drink or smoke pot. Why do I have to choose between doing it all the time or not doing it at all? And an even greater question-why should it determine whom I befriend? I need to make friends...or attempt to rekindle friendships with people I have here. Sometimes I don't feel too motivated to do such a thing, though. Nobody compares to my close friends who don't even live here. *sigh*
Something's gotta give. I'm either going to leave this place, or summon at least one or two of my close friends to move up here with me. That would be oh, so lovely. Only time will tell...
In other news...I AM GOING TO FLORIDA NEXT WEEK!
People to see:
Heather, Briana, Iris, & Danni.
Things to do: crash playgrounds, worship mangoes, go to Publix, World Market, The Virgin Megastore, take Heather to Guitar Center, go to a nude beach(or just a regular beach), go to Whole Foods!!!!! Eat at an authentic Mexican restaurant(Upstate is lacking in those), Zaxbys, Kim Wu's, Chick Fil A, Chipotle, Go to City walk! and probably a bunch of other shit that I'm forgetting because it's nearly 3am and I've lost my head from excitement.
I can't wait to see my missed people. <3
- Mood:Conflicted
- Music:"Sedated times" by 120 days
I feel so empty.
- Mood:
lonely
Never thought I'd do you the same
Never thought fill with desire
Never thought I'd feel so ashamed
Me and the dragon can chase all the pain away
So before I end my day, remember....
My sweet prince, you are the one.
As the end of the summer is closing in, I feel my heart beating faster and faster...I feel the tears swelling up in my eyes. Seeing her every day. And even worse...seeing him every day. It's going to fucking kill me... I can see it now. She'll be walking around holding hands with her boyfriend. He'll be walking around flirting with stupid preppy girls and acting like they're the greatest thing since sliced bread and water bongs.
I will never stop feeling for him. I will never forget how close Melissa and I grew for awhile, and in an instant it was all gone. I'll always remember how much she hates the way she looks...her words will always resound in my head.
"I would take it to an extreme if I had to...I'd do anything to be perfect-no matter what the consequences may be."
She's so small and frail. She's wasting away. And all I can do is sit around and tell her how beautiful she is. But she will never listen. Not to me, not to anyone. I hope she gets through this...
Everything will be so different. I won't have my locker filled with pictures of a meaningless love. My hair will be gone. My clothes won't be as dark. My thick lipstick won't be there. My "Fuck you, I'm a lesbian" attitude will be gone. All gone. And left in it's place will be the girl with shorn hair in my mother's old clothing from the 70s, little makeup and I'll be even more quiet...above all else, I'll be empty. That's all I am nowadays is empty.
I will barely have any friends in school. Scratch that, I won't have any friends. I'll have several acquaintances who remember the girl I used to be, the girl I was for awhile, and dismiss the girl I am nowadays. I'm really not looking forward to it.
I would give anything to go back to the end of June. Before I could fuck everything up. I wouldn't have cut off my hair, I wouldn't have made things akward between Josh and I, I would've asked for Nikki's advice much sooner than I did, and I would've listened to her about the amount of drugs I've been consuming...I wouldn't have done so many drugs...I wouldn't have had too much to drink. I wouldn't have made a fool of myself in front of everyone. My only hope for happiness here.
Things are incredibly akward between Tessa, Melissa, Josh and I. I don't know what to do. Megan's family is too psycho to allow her to hang around me. She's my only friend here. The only other people around are people who don't want to bother with me. I'm either too naive and inexperienced, or I'm too much of a troublemaker for them. I'm still at that akward in between stage, and I don't know what to do with myself. There are also the boys who would do anything for me, because they are delusional and seem to think that they'll eventually get into my pants if they try hard enough. They don't know any better, but I do. They won't get ANYWHERE until the day I die and they break into the morgue.
I'm greatful to have Rachael and Jodie around here. But I must admit, it's a little overwhelming. They talk alot, and they're always there. I'm not used to having people like that around all the time. Especially since I've been feeling incredibly withdrawn, it's somewhat uncomfortable. I'm still waiting for Harry to come out. I hope things go alright with him and I. I've decided that if Harry and I do become close friends and hanging out with him doesn't feel strange, if Megan wants to be my roommate this winter, and/or if Rachael and Jodie are going to move out to New York, I'm staying here. However, if things don't work out I'm definetely going back to Florida. I have until February to decide what I want to do.
I'm sick of looking in the mirror and seeing a girl that I don't know. I hate myself so much. I hate who I am on the outside. I hate who I am on the inside. I hate my short hair, my stupid bangs, my glasses and my bad skin. I hate my indecisiveness, my confusion and how prone I am to getting caught up with drugs, alchohol and other mind altering substances. I hate my mood swings and my obsessive compulsive disorder. I hate how I can snap within less than a minute. I hate everything about me. I don't know if that'll ever change. I want to change. I want to be a happy, optimistic person. I want to be beautiful. I want to love myself. I just don't know how.
I want everything to change. I need to quit doing drugs. I need to get my life in order. My sister found out that I've been smoking weed lately and she says she doesn't know me anymore. She's incredibly disappointed.
And I know I am too.
Never thought I'd have to retire
Never thought I'd have to abstain
Never thought all this could backfire
Close up the hole in my vein...
Me and my valuable friend can fix all the pain away
So before I end my day, remember...
My sweet prince, you are the one.
Never thought I'd get any higher
Never thought you'd fuck with my brain
Never thought all this could expire
Never thought you'd go break the chain
Me and you baby used to flush all the pain away
So before I end my day, remember...
My sweet prince, you are the one.
- Mood: depressed
Someone should really call
the cable guy to fix her insides
She swears they're broken
torn to pieces wires portruding
from her opened heart
her head aches
and it's becoming
oh, so unbearable
Save her, quickly
She's fading away so suddenly
Someone call the hunter
to kill the sickness
that's sinking into her lungs
with every breathe she takes
the doctors say there is no cure
But in good time Death will come
and take away the suffering
The memories will still remain
staining the sidewalks
with blood, raindrops and tears
The taste of love is the taste of venom
the deadliest of it's kind
all the mistakes we've made
we were so young and helpless
all we ever wanted was to be loved
and nothing more.
The taste of death so bittersweet
fading away in each others arms
but the hospital rooms
won't let us stay together
they say it's for the better
but we know, we know the truth...
- Mood: exhausted
Cool enough to not quite see it, doomed
Pick your pocket full of sorrow
Run away with me tomorrow, June
We'll try and ease the pain
Somehow we'll feel the same
Well, no one knows
Where our secrets go
I send a heart to all my dearies
When your life is so, so dreary, dream
I'm rumored to the straight and narrow
While the harlots of my perils scream
And I fail
But when I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will
Mother, weep the years I'm missing
All our time can't be given back
Shut my mouth and strike the demons
Cursed you and your reasons
Out of hand and out of season
Out of love and out of feeling so bad
When I can, I will
Words defy the plans
When I can, I will
Fool enough to almost be it
And cool enough to not quite see it
And old enough to always feel this
Always old, I'll always feel this
No more promise no more sorrow
No longer will I follow
Can anybody hear me
I just want to be me
When I can, I will
Try to understand
That when I can, I will
- Mood: crushed
- Music:The Smashing Pumpkins-Mayonaise
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